Wow! What can months of uncertainty do? Two things, it can lead someone down the path towards a pitiful wasteland that is home to no dreams, no goals and a sense of ones self, lost forever. Stress sets up shop and begins the task of dismantling your life, brick by brick and day by day. It can also lead someone to a sense of realization and the knowledge of where life is and where it needs to be going in order to find focus. A sense of sharp clarity about what is needed to truly become grateful!
Well, for me, I began down the first road, and to very honest, I allowed it out of my own free will. I lost the ability to find happiness and peace with my daily routines and in fact, my life had become just that, a routine.
My alarm would go off, most times, 15 minutes before I would have to be to work, and I would wince in pain as I would try and make my way into the bathroom to pee and get dressed. Most times, with one eye still shut, I would feed the pets, fetch a can of pop and be on my way out the door to get into my Jimmy and head to work (Thank goodness it is only six blocks from my home). Often, I would find myself in trouble because I was over five minutes late, leading to a negative day of feeling miserable because I had fallen short on being on time and ready to begin the day.
Then came 9 hours of working with all walks of life in the form of human beings. Some happy, sad, mad as hell or so far out in left field, I often wondered how they were able to wake and put on their own shoes without help. With every ‘DING’ of the door, it was like Pavlov’s dog experiment, where I heard the ‘DING’ and immediately felt a sense of “Why the hell am I not at home writing!?” It was for this 9 hours, that I wondered aimlessly with the same question in mind.
5 o’clock would arrive (finally) and I would return home and brace myself for what environment I would receive once I entered the house. What would become a routine found me sitting in my recliner, like a drunk, from 6 to Midnight, most times, watching Fox News Channel and passing out once in that timeframe. At midnight, I went to bed, only to begin the cycle over again in 6 hours and 45 minutes.
Fast Forward – Veterans Day 2015
On a day for remembrance, the fork in the road appeared and the two roads in life was before me and a decision had to be made. Go left, not knowing what was going to happen or go right, knowing exactly what was going to happen. Seeing where I had allowed my life to settle, I made the first clear choice in some time, I chose left!
Now with respect for others feelings, I won’t go any further than to say that I had decided to get divorced, a decision that had me living wherever I could over the next month. A process that was, by no means, a walk in the woods, but one that I used to decide what I wanted and when I wanted it. Things were not in a good place and I took massive action to correct my coarse.
(FF – Christmas 2015)
It was the first Christmas that I have spent with my three sons in five years. I was invited by their mother and step- father out to their home for the holiday. It was a chance for a reconnection with them and finally lay to rest, an old angst that had been between my ex and I for many years. I spent most of the day with my kids and had one of the best times on Christmas in a very long while! It was that evening, everything came full circle and I begin laying the road map to my future.
However, before I get into the here and now, let me explain some of the in between. As the last month of the year approached a dear friend passed away while having a procedure done at a hospital. one of those fluke things that rarely happen anymore but serve as a reminder that nothing is for sure and that it can all be gone in the blink of an eye. If I had known in early November that I was to see him for the final time alive, I would have been beside myself. It was in his memory that I made the commitment to change permanently. I credit my dear friend for leaving me with a kick in the pants that I needed so much.
It was also at this time that I learned my mother had cancer! You want to talk about a ton of bricks hitting you right up side your face. I was not prepared to hear this but could not help but take a sense of pride in how strong of a woman that my mother is. Yes she is worried, who wouldn’t be, but she maintains such a strong outlook on her situation and it is from that, she has become someone I look at as a model for handling my own life. She will be going back to the hospital for another procedure at some point but as for right now, it is head up and moving forward as she would say.
Now here I am, today, me as I stand here! What has changed? ALOT!!! I begin my morning at 5:20 I climb out of bed because I want time for myself before I give it to someone else. With both eyes open, I stand at the toilet and pee. Funny, you pee straighter with both eyes open! I open my bedroom door and enter my living room, where I begin a daily ritual with Tony Robbins and spent 30 minutes of breathing, getting grateful, visualization of my life, incantations and exercise. I do 30 sit-ups, 30 pushups and stretch for several minutes before thanking my God for giving me another day to live! I have been doing this since Christmas and have changed my day entirely by giving myself time first! I am usually to work five minutes early or more and spend my day trying to make others laugh and while telling myself that I want more out of life, I am grateful for the job that I have that helps me now, when I need it! I go home to a dog, a cat, some goldfish and some hermit crabs and have my sons through the weeks some as well. I work with my life coaching programs and at times still lay back in my recliner and nap, only this time, being grateful for what I have here and now.
I was left with a nearly empty home and because of generosity of dozens of great people, I have a home that is full of material needs that give me the sense of gratitude and makes this house feel like a home again!
I attended a meeting for the Midwest Writer’s Guild last week and crossed over the hurdle of being a member before and never attending. It was wonderful to achieve this milestone and open the doors to many other moments!
I have also committed to work on The Boondock Kids beginning no later than this Monday night! You know what that means, posts every night! I will post my progress as I work towards completing my 7th book and I look forward to hearing your amazing comments again, I have missed them so much.
So, in closing for this morning, I am flat broke, getting divorced for the second time, having trouble with my Jimmy and barely getting by, but believe me when I say that I have never been more focused, more sure and more grateful about who I am and what I want!! Scars are learning curves, grind now and shine later and feeling that magic daily can only move you up!! I’m back in the saddle, lets ride!!
Live With Passion!!