How many weeks has it been? I honestly can not remember, in fact, remembering anything these days is becoming more and more difficult. I have wondered the last several weeks if things will improve or continue to worsen. Honestly, I don’t know if I am coming or going anymore and sadly, it is becoming harder to hide this from everyone else.
My wife has been ill since March and has not been able to work. It is not easy to explain how I feel because since that time, so much has happen that the days do no more than blur together. We have made it by thanks in part to my putting money back into savings since last fall. That money, however, is now gone, along with money from a gift account for Christmas. Also gone is an insurance policy that I have had since I was a young boy. All the while I am forced to watch my wife go through days of pain and agony while new medicines are tried and ultimately do not work. Being not one year into our marriage, which has ever possible negative attack thrown at it, has us both road ragged.
As the only one working in our family right now, my writing has all but left my system as I try to make end meet and pretend to others that I am personally alright. Which I will finally admit that I am not…
The past two years, I have gone from a fairly fit and organized writer, (jogging every morning, listening to Tony Robbins, and writing every night) to only a shell of what is left today. I have slowly felt this unease and fatigue slowly increase since then as new and more complicated stresses have made home in my life. I try my best to hide everything but there are times I could break down and cry but doubt that it would help much. I wake in the mornings and at some points, can not get out of bed from this fatigue. This morning, in fact, I woke up at 5 a.m. and could not get of bed to go to my paycheck job to save my life. I am thankful for an understanding workplace. Still, will I be the next one who can’t go to work?
Two weeks ago, while at work, I became very dizzy and laid down on the warehouse floor to stop from passing out. I was taken to the emergency room, where I laid for five hours. I had seven veil of blood drawn which not only came back alright but that said I was dodging ailments that run in my family. I missed the following work days and could do nothing but lay in bed. Work stress has also added to the conditions at home. Some coworkers have said goodbye and have not yet been replaced. The added workload that has been placed on my shoulders is too much, but I am afraid to say something. I return home to my wife in pain and watch the bills add up on the bill desk.Now this morning happen.
I had gone to bed last night in a sense of confusion, I was twitching as if I were cold and could not walk in a straight line for and reason. When I woke this morning, I let my boss know that I would not be in today. I dread doing this because I need to work, no more than ever. I slept until 2 p.m. and then could only go to the restroom before joining my sleeping wife in the living room in my recliner.
It seems we both find ourselves there anymore. My wife in her leather chair, under a blanket asleep and me in mine with the leg rest up and passed out. Even now, I want to explain to you how I am feeling but don’t feel as though I can get beyond vague short sentences and incomplete statements. All through the process of building my writing room, combined with my wife’s craft room, should be a moment of delight as we both chase our dreams but only seem to be entangled in a nightmare instead. I have been asked to talk with my daughters first grade class next week and with no books to hand out to the children and little energy left to cut the grass or take the dog out, am not sure if I will make it in one piece.
I miss jogging, I miss Tony Robbins, I miss writing every night, I miss entering contest, I miss sending my books off to agents only to be turned down and most importantly, I miss living, because now, I feel all but alive. Please tell me there is a positive end….