On what should have been a celebratory night after finishing the last few roads in Lawrence County, Illinois has turned into a moment of reflection and self questioning. In May, a literary agent wrote me, saying that she liked my story, Barney & Lexi:Lost In Lawrenceville very much but had to place another book before looking at taking B&L on. Two months later, I write back as asked to touch base with her. She replied by saying that she had decided not to take on any more clients at this time and was passing on the project.
This is the hardest rejection I have ever had! To be given hope and have it all taken away is something that has come from left field and hit me right square in the chest. Even now, sitting here and writing to you all, I fight the tears like never before.
I will say that the past two months have left me feeling hopeful and to that I am grateful!
I have been struggling for some time to hold this positive attitude together that began this year. I truly feel I am being me when I feel that great, but physically, I feel the pressure of holding it together, weighting down on me. I’m sure it is just simply the reaction to the hardest rejection but it echoes my deepest fear…what if this is it for me?? Am I just a dreamer? Single with no love interest in sight. Five books written, two more in the works, for a literary world that might never read it??
Since I was a boy, I always felt like I was ment for so much more than the norm. I have always felt creative and believed that it will come. I don’t know, right now I feel that something I want more than anything in the world is the farthest it can ever be from me.
To make things more emotional, my boy’s mother moved them to another town, taking them out of the school that I had fallen in love with. The heartbreak of having no say just adds to the fire by making me feel out of control and wasted. Now, alone in a town with no family and for the most part, no fuel to even go see anyone I ask the god I believe. “Please God, no more. You might think I can handle all of this but I am only human.”
I enjoy writing to you but wonder if this crazy thing will ever take fire or is it “Just another WordPress blog”? It has been since 2009 and I am grateful to have maybe six views in one week. Not to promising for someone with dreams?
As Sunday winds to a close, I am out of gas, out of money, and out of food, with a week before payday. I am getting ready to leave and head back home, hoping I make it on what is left in the tank.
Oh, how I wish everyday could be lived with passion. Lets just leave it up to faith right now…