Tonight, I was planning on celebrating with a smile and a toast to the claim that I have now been up and down every road in Lawrence County, Illinois. I shot my last few photos to finish up my first of four tours through the county and made my way to my folks house for my two hours of weekly internet.
I sat down and read an email from a literary agent who had shown interest in my book Barney & Lexi. I thought that it was going to be her saying that things were going to work out and this was going to be my foundation laying moment to a successful writing career and thus a better life. Although I understand that life is life, it wasnt;t like that. She thanked me for my patience but had decided not to take on any new clients and was passing on my book.
The hardest part about this rejection is that it came wrapped in the gift wrap of hope. It is nothing to get a rejection from an agency who may have or not have read your work. Those are most the time cold and without emotion. Those are the ones that you can thank them for their time and move on. This one had emotion, it had me hoping and smiling. That makes this one hard to swallow. It also has me wondering after ten years of trying…”Is there anything left in the tank?”
To make things more difficult, I am losing the battle with the fact, that my children no longer live near me. Moving with their mother to another town, they are no longer in the school I had come to see them graduating in. As the father, you have little say in your children’s lives. It is a pain I am barely containing.
With that said, I should be celebrating my completion of my accomplishment, but instead, I find myself reaching my breaking point. As I go home tonight to my home, were no one will be, perhaps just enough gas to get there and then no food to eat until payday, I am saying to the God I believe in, “Please stop, you think I am able to carry this weight, but I am beginning to falter.”
I toss this question out into the universe:
With five written books and two in the works plus a picture book in the making and two blogs,
“Am I just a dreamer?”